|February 11th, 2002, 01:53 PM||#1|
Beware there be jokes
Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage........ take my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressedn the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and
"AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?"..
His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's
b** and say, "How about a bl0w job??".....and she's always sound asleep.
LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York Zoo, and we saw all the animals.
It was fascinating."
The teacher said, " That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Baltimore Aquarium
and saw all the fish. I was fascinated."
The teacher said again, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny
was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t1ts
are so big she can only fasten eight."
THE WELSH FARMER
A Welsh farmer takes his driving test. The driving instructor asks "
Can you make a U-Turn?"
The Welsh farmer replies, "Turn - I can make its f***ing eyes water."
|February 12th, 2002, 04:32 PM||#9|
I'm not going to read these. Sue me.
Sometimes your one of those sour olde dill pickles and sometimes your sweet like one of those mustard jobbys
|February 14th, 2002, 06:16 AM||#10|
Here's another couple of joke received in my email today.
A man strolls into work, happy as can be.
"Whats up with you?" asks a collegue.
The man expalins: "Last nite I was on my way home from work and I saw this
young lady tied to the railway tracks, just like in the movies. I ran over
and cut her free. We went back to my place and had sex all over the house,
we did everything, it was fantastic".
"Was she pretty?" asked the collegue.
"Dunno" replyed the man. "Never found the head".
Glasgow Zoo Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park management noticed Billy fae Govan, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Billy, like most glaswegians, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any sex of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Billy was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for 500 quid?
Billy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Billy announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Billy, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the 500 quid."
|February 15th, 2002, 05:41 AM||#13|
Girlspeak To English Dictionary
She says English
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I have PMS.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something
How much do you love me? I did something today you're
really not going to like...
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd
better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I
think this is important.
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The same old thing. Nothing.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such a jerk.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up
evidence against you.
|February 15th, 2002, 08:42 AM||#14|
I think you needed a bit more text-formatting in that. It was really depressing too.
- obituary from Perfect Dark
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