All about beer

Beer Prayer
---
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen


The Inebriation Scale
0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of
well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid
complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice
trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks
are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his
boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps.
Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of
crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme
for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree
people are same world over except for the bloody French.

6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat.
Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you
love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and
they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with
boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love
on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room.
Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island
Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots
of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall
over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer
comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea
by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out
of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at
all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to
give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner
of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door.
Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having
taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home.
Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local
football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass
out again


Quotes

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
* Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.
* William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools.
* Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
* Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
* Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
* Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as
drink.
* G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself
a pleasure.
* Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
* Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that
truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
* Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
* W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
* W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
* Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
* David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
* Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the time and have the time of your life.
* Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
* Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
* Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
* Frank Zappa

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me
- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

------------------
Smoke me a kipper... at Doom Heaven

I need to get a sip of breakfast.
- W.C. Fields

Quite a bit of research there, Big AL, fellow-me-lad!

------------------
Freedom's just another word for 'nothing left to lose' -- Janis Joplin

ROFL! Good one Big_al!

"Give us this day our foamy head,"

I'm not gonna touch that one, it's fine all on it's own.

------------------
Member of Team DEIM
Webmaster The DOOM Editing Resource

Here's one about two drunken Irishmen:

Two Irishmen had just left the pub and were walking home along the road.
1st man: "Look, I found a grave by the side of the road."
2nd man: "How old was the man?"
1st man: "117."
2nd man: "Wow, 117! That's really old? What was his name?"
1st man: "Miles from Dublin."

------------------
"Killed Aliotroph?"
- obituary from Perfect Dark

LOL! Some funnery stuph in here.

------------------

The Megawad
Deathcore & Vilecore Ver2.0 is coming!
Gimme a wicked weapon a mean assed monster in a kewl level and an engine that delivers.

Damn straight. That's what beer's for. It makes things funny.

------------------
"Killed Aliotroph?"
- obituary from Perfect Dark

Really!? Do you have to stock up on goth beer?

------------------

The Megawad
Deathcore & Vilecore Ver2.0 is coming!
Gimme a wicked weapon a mean assed monster in a kewl level and an engine that delivers.

No, she's already funny.

------------------
"Killed Aliotroph?"
- obituary from Perfect Dark

That's good then!

------------------

The Megawad
Deathcore & Vilecore Ver2.0 is coming!
Gimme a wicked weapon a mean assed monster in a kewl level and an engine that delivers.

Beer makes my grandpa funny though.

------------------
"Killed Aliotroph?"
- obituary from Perfect Dark

That's a scary mental image. Drunken grandparents.

Yeah, it's kinda weird much.

I prefer drunken chicks, but not the stupid arrogent ones. Chicks are more fun than grandparents anyway.

Yesterday I had to have some rum and coke just because a coke can ruptured in the box and had to be consumed. Yummy!

------------------
"Killed Aliotroph?"
- obituary from Perfect Dark

Do you really need that big a reason to drink?

I hadn't planned on drinking though because I had school today. I don't usually drink ruma and coke either. I knew someone who said that in New York they consider a black drink. I thought that was really odd. Of course I don't give a damn about such things. If it's alcohol I'll probably drink it.

------------------
"Killed Aliotroph?"
- obituary from Perfect Dark

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Trebuchet MS, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, serif">quote:</font><hr width="100%" size="1" noshade><font face="Trebuchet MS, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, serif" size="2">If it's alcohol I'll probably drink it.</font><hr width="100%" size="1" noshade></BLOCKQUOTE>

That's probably a bad sign Alio. Uhg, I can't drink R&C anymore, almost died of alchohol poisoning and now just the smell makes me instantly nauseous. Heh, almost died: yes. Freinds took me to the hospital: no. Went to work the next day and spent whole day trembling/vomiting: yes.

Booze ain't nobody's friend...

------------------
Member of Team DEIM
Webmaster The DOOM Editing Resource

I never said I'll drink a lot of it. I also don't drink anything made by some idiot that will probably kill me. I actually don't drink very much at all. I'm just not picky. I puked once from drinking at that was enough.

------------------
"Killed Aliotroph?"
- obituary from Perfect Dark