Zack
November 1st, 2000, 11:24 AM
The text below may shock or frighten you. To settle questions, this IS a true story. It is about a young kid at the age of 16, who is likely to fail Home Economics (if he took that course).
The story begins in the quiet town of Broomall, PA...
Not too long ago--looking at the clock on my wall, it's been about 45 minutes--I came home from school, a bit hungry. Normally, I'd just open the pantry and get a twinkie, or grab a bag of potato chips, but today, I felt like eating something a little more satisfying than such common junk food. It came to me right away.
I set my school bag down and headed up the stairs to my room. There are two desks, surrounding a small "gulf" of my room by three sides, that are mostly covered with junk. An old Zenith television set resides on the back side, connected to a VCR which is in turn connected to a Dreamcast on the floor. On the left desk are the common PC accessories: monitor; speakers; keyboard; mouse; etc. The PC itself lies in ruins somewhere burried in the community landfill. (Oh, don't be fooled! http://www.newdoom.com/ubb/smile.gif It's also called a dump.)
Instead of complying with my habitual urge to take a seat and flip on the Dreamcast, I walked up to the television and picked up the small can of Franco-American(R) Sonic the Hedgehog(TM) pasta. It features pasta in the shapes of characters from the videogame: Sonic, Robotnik, and the rest of the gang.
I examined the can, searching for the expiration date. "FEB 2001," it read. "Hmm," I thought, "I have three months, but when will I get a chance like this?" (We are Jewish, and my parents keep a kosher kitchen. So being home alone at the moment was an advantage.)
Bringing the can downstairs to the kitchen, I took off the label to keep as a collector item. I walked over to a drawer and picked out the can opener. I examined it.
At least, I THINK it was a can opener. Trying to remember the last time I opened a can instead of my mom doing it is like trying to cure Monkey's viagra addiction. The can opener is the manual kind; no magnets in it or anything. I spent ten or twenty minutes trying to open the can with it, and had no luck. Then I had an idea! I went to the closet in another room and pulled out my dad's toolbox. Darn, no hammer anywhere.
I improvised. Using a screwdriver, a nail, a knife, a teaspoon and a fork, I managed to pry most of the lid off, quite jaggedly. I poured the contents, sauce and all, into a cereal bowl, listening to the SCHLUMP SCHLURP sounds. It reminded me of dog food.
I put the bowl into the microwave and heated it for less than two minutes, until I heard some strange 'flumping' noises coming from inside the microwave. Better safe than sorry. After the bowl sizzled off some heat, I stirred the pasta and brought it to the dining table.
For a 6+ month old can, it tasted pretty good! The pasta shapes scared me. Only barely recognizing them, they looked more like bloody skulls than Sonic the Hedgehog and Tails the Fox.
But anyway, it was an educational experience! It will very much come in handy when I might possibly, one day, wind up stranded on an island without a can opener, and all the food on the island is canned. (So sue me, Warner Bros, I stole your idea!)
Also, having digested things that I actually have dreamt about at times, I am one step closer to being a "true" Sonic fan http://www.newdoom.com/ubb/biggrin.gif whatever that is.
THE END. This was Can Opener Vs Screwdriver: A true story by Zack.
The story begins in the quiet town of Broomall, PA...
Not too long ago--looking at the clock on my wall, it's been about 45 minutes--I came home from school, a bit hungry. Normally, I'd just open the pantry and get a twinkie, or grab a bag of potato chips, but today, I felt like eating something a little more satisfying than such common junk food. It came to me right away.
I set my school bag down and headed up the stairs to my room. There are two desks, surrounding a small "gulf" of my room by three sides, that are mostly covered with junk. An old Zenith television set resides on the back side, connected to a VCR which is in turn connected to a Dreamcast on the floor. On the left desk are the common PC accessories: monitor; speakers; keyboard; mouse; etc. The PC itself lies in ruins somewhere burried in the community landfill. (Oh, don't be fooled! http://www.newdoom.com/ubb/smile.gif It's also called a dump.)
Instead of complying with my habitual urge to take a seat and flip on the Dreamcast, I walked up to the television and picked up the small can of Franco-American(R) Sonic the Hedgehog(TM) pasta. It features pasta in the shapes of characters from the videogame: Sonic, Robotnik, and the rest of the gang.
I examined the can, searching for the expiration date. "FEB 2001," it read. "Hmm," I thought, "I have three months, but when will I get a chance like this?" (We are Jewish, and my parents keep a kosher kitchen. So being home alone at the moment was an advantage.)
Bringing the can downstairs to the kitchen, I took off the label to keep as a collector item. I walked over to a drawer and picked out the can opener. I examined it.
At least, I THINK it was a can opener. Trying to remember the last time I opened a can instead of my mom doing it is like trying to cure Monkey's viagra addiction. The can opener is the manual kind; no magnets in it or anything. I spent ten or twenty minutes trying to open the can with it, and had no luck. Then I had an idea! I went to the closet in another room and pulled out my dad's toolbox. Darn, no hammer anywhere.
I improvised. Using a screwdriver, a nail, a knife, a teaspoon and a fork, I managed to pry most of the lid off, quite jaggedly. I poured the contents, sauce and all, into a cereal bowl, listening to the SCHLUMP SCHLURP sounds. It reminded me of dog food.
I put the bowl into the microwave and heated it for less than two minutes, until I heard some strange 'flumping' noises coming from inside the microwave. Better safe than sorry. After the bowl sizzled off some heat, I stirred the pasta and brought it to the dining table.
For a 6+ month old can, it tasted pretty good! The pasta shapes scared me. Only barely recognizing them, they looked more like bloody skulls than Sonic the Hedgehog and Tails the Fox.
But anyway, it was an educational experience! It will very much come in handy when I might possibly, one day, wind up stranded on an island without a can opener, and all the food on the island is canned. (So sue me, Warner Bros, I stole your idea!)
Also, having digested things that I actually have dreamt about at times, I am one step closer to being a "true" Sonic fan http://www.newdoom.com/ubb/biggrin.gif whatever that is.
THE END. This was Can Opener Vs Screwdriver: A true story by Zack.